ULLABENULLA

Making Art, Caregiving and Loving my Mother who has Dementia

It's been six years now, since my Mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. Within months Dad quickly became full-time caregiver, and I took on the role of relief caregiver, 3 days a week, allowing my Father a chance to go sailing on the bay, and much needed time away to clear his head and find peace in his heart. 

Like having an elephant in the living room, I have not publicly shared this. I did try to write a new blog a couple years ago, about our experiences together, but somehow was never able to let it go public. So here it is:

My Mother has Dementia, and We Are All More or Less Thriving! 

Over the last six years Mom and I have made many many art projects together, many which I hope to share with you here on my blog. Making art with Mom has been an incredible GIFT to both of us. A gift for me, as I learn who she is becoming, and a gift for her, as she has something productive to do. As the years progress the projects have become easier and more simple, but Moms enthusiasm and love still shines through. I now come twice a week, as her energy level has diminished tremendously, and her motivation has all but disappeared. My Father calls her 'Sleeping Beauty' now, as she sleeps 16 to 18 hours a day.  

I won't lie, it has been very difficult to see my Mother slowly disappear.  It's a bit like watching a beautiful flower slowly lose its colors. My Mother is still here, but she has become a different Mother. She can still sing and laugh and make jokes, but she cannot remember when I was last there, or what day it is. Her skills have diminished, but she's still willing to try.

Making art together has made the transition easier. It has given us something to share, and something to do together. Shortly after Moms diagnosis, Dad and I re-discovered a love of the I Ching, an ancient Chinese Oracle, which I will share in another post. This philosophy has helped us ACCEPT and THRIVE through these caregiving years.

Today I want to share with you one of my favorite projects that my Mother and I have done together. Dad actually came up with this idea!  A memory quilt of the milestones in Moms life. It now proudly hangs in my parents living room. We started with a list of the high-lights of Moms life. From there we cut multi-colored squares of simple cotton. I drew an image or date on each square for Mom to embroider, and away she went! She was so excited about this project that she finished it in 3 weeks! She even pieced the squares and sewed the border!

If you look closely, you will see Mom has led a facinating life. 

Being Prolific During an Artistic Drought...

 

I am often startled when friends call me 'prolific'. Lately I have been feeling deep in a hole of artistic drought with little water to feed me. So where do these observations come from? Recently a very artistic friend of mine Laurey Foulkes mentioned on Facebook, "The key is to keep at it, keep working, no matter what the results are...  Nurture those small efforts with a big heart like you would for a small child, giving her all your love and support." I thought this was such a lovely way of describing those days when nothing seems to feed us, but as artists we still NEED to do something. It's those little 'somethings' that can quickly add up to being 'prolific'.

I've certainly had periods where I could barely sleep because of being in an artistic full speed shower - but they are always followed by periods of prolonged drought.

Another wonderful artist and blogger Lisa Congdon has a post titled: On Doing The Work. In it she has three pieces of advice on making art for a living:  

    1) this could take awhile so get started now (ie: don’t wait!) 

    2) show up and do the work everyday

    3) be patient.  

She also writes, "Success and opportunity never come to those who sit back and wish things were different. They come to those who do stuff." I love this!  Simple, honest and true words of wisdom!

Working on my Moleskine Albums keeps me doing 'small efforts', and 'showing up to do some art work every day' even on those days I don't feel like it. Suddenly one day, it's filled and finished! It makes me feel as if the time flew by, despite it being months, and that I have something amazing to show for it! Suddenly it wasn't really a drought but instead I was slowly being prolific...

This particular album actually began a few years ago, with just the insects in the top photo.  I re-found it again this winter and decided to finish it. Now it resides with a dear friend of mine who recently became a grandmother - a book of nature to share with her first grandchild.

What My Dogs Have Taught Me About Zen...

* Slow down, smell the flowers, look at everything when you walk.

* The closer you get to home, the slower you walk, the more you will notice.

* Be humble, she picks up our poop, we can smell everyone else's.

* If it does not look or smell good at first, move it around (dog bowl) and maybe it will smell better later.

* Stay away from uncomfortable feelings, if you hear BATH, leave the room fast.

* Happiness (good barking) always gets attention.  Barking gets attention!

* Be as comfortable as possible when at rest.  Sleep on Mom's bed, on top of the sofa pillows or under all the pillows.

A River of Tears - Silent Wails Flowing Through my Life

When you look into the glass eyes of antique Neapolitan figures, you can almost feel their tears. In no way do I claim to look like a madonna these days, more like a wailling banshee... My emotions are so off kilter, and close to the surface, I can't predict when the flood will flow - and flow it does - and often! I have tried to put a name to the tears, but as of yet, the stream is running too fast, and I cannot hear its song.

I don't think I am alone in this need to feel, and release my emotions, but few ever talk about it. Perhaps its a middle-age stage. A trial of sorts, that will help me cross over to what comes next.  Is it regrets? Lost opportunities? The elephant in the living room? I just don't know. The salt dries my cheeks and makes me squint at the light, and then I am crying again.  

Making art helps, long talks with my daughter helps, kisses from my dogs and husband helps, taking walks helps, eating blueberries helps... I want an endless list of things to help me, and yet, truth be known, in the moment, the tears feel good.  As if I am giving up something, making way for something new.

Clearing the mud from the river... 

Shapeshifting and Looking for New Directions...

Shapeshifting, changing colors, moving media around, aiming for a different look. I miss blogging and want to be more faithful, find my community again...  

I turn 55 this year. A family year! I am a daughter taking care of my parents, a wife supporting my husband, and a mother guiding my own daughter, who will soon be leaving the nest. I long for routine, but cannot seem to find one. Days slip by, and I wonder where they went...  

My media of choice right now seems to be drawing, painting, and embroidery. I've found someone wonderful to draw with once a week - that keeps me going. I've taught some fun embroidery classes, that keeps me excited.

I still wish for escape, the ability to walk into a new story, a different world. My art helps me do this on a small scale. I close my eyes and imagine simplicity, tranquility and serenity...

Sketching on Porcelain...

After yesterdays post I realized that I also sketch on porcelain occasionally.  This little plate, started last winter - is an example of one of my more 'sketchy' porcelain pieces.  What is really interesting to me, is that my pencil sketches are usually drawn from nature (realistic) while my porcelain pieces are drawn from my imagination (fantasy).  Somehow I have given myself permission to 'play' when using a paintbrush, but not with a pencil - fascinating and enlightening!

 

Sketchbook Confession

Almost 30 years ago after graduating from UC Davis with a degree in Textile Design, I had it in my head that I needed an MFA too.  During a grueling interview at a prestigious art school (the name isn't important here) I was told "You cannot draw" by one of my interviewers.  I can still remember his face and condescending tone of voice.  I was so stunned and hurt.  Regardless of this man's opinion I was accepted into the school, but chose not to go - beginning my life then as a self-employed artist.  

I can remember loving to draw as a child, and certainly when I was getting my college degrees, I spent hours with pencil in hand, sketching whatever interested me at the time.  But that year, when I was told that I could not draw changed me. That one little sentence, told by a college mentor no less, robbed me of decades of pleasure spent sketching and drawing.  I didn't draw for nearly 20 years!  

As a teacher myself now, I look back to that day, and wonder what it was that made me stop drawing rather then trying to prove him wrong.  I may never know. But I do know that telling someone that they cannot draw, or paint, or create or whatever it is - can be a death blow - and just isn't the truth!  I have seen time and time again, that anyone can learn to be an artist!  Subjective opinions aside, whatever lines we create as individuals are important and matter to us!  

Today, I am at best a sporadic sketch booker.  But very recently I have become more inclined to pick up a pencil and draw. I feel compelled to prove this ghost wrong and discover what lies beneath my crumbled dreams. I have been drawing with my Mother when we visit together, and journaling when I feel the need to ideate or study something in detail.  Those horrible words, said so long ago, are nearly silent now.   

Images are from the last 10 years or so of occasional sketching.

 

Clara the Mouse dressed for Easter!

Clara loves eggs! Boiled, fried, or scrambled, not a day goes by without a bite of her favorite protein. But when she heard that on Easter Sunday almost all eggs served are chocolate, she nearly lost her whiskers in excitement! If there is one thing Clara loves more than eggs, it is chocolate eggs!
"Clara" by Ulla Milbrath and vintage easter boxes available at Castle in the Air.